A FRIGHTENING TIME

I am experiencing a difficult physical challenge. About a week ago, I found that I could no longer swallow easily because I could no longer belch. Okay, I guess that sounds kind of gross, but that is the closest I can come to describe what I am going through. The apartment I live in has been exposed to very unhealthy fumes, which management absolutely refuses to acknowledge, much less do anything about it. But, it is what it is. What I resist, simply persists. So I keep on inhaling, but to fight it only makes it worse.

As a result of all of this,  I was admitted last evening to the emergency room of the hospital. It was BJC, in St. Peters, Missouri … an excellent hospital far better than most I have been in … and, quite frankly that’s been quite a few!! These kind and gentle folks took such good care of me. They did all in their power to bring me comfort and relief … including but not limited to a very challenging stress test that I endured. If you have never undergone one, it is difficult to describe how painful it is.

It wasn’t the kind of stress test where you run on a treadmill. It was the kind where chemicals are administered intravenously over a period of about a half hour. I cannot describe how frightening and painful this procedure was. It took forever for the effects to wear off and I was, simply stated, terrified AND exhausted. Going through the Cat Scan was nowhere near as uncomfortable because I was able to lie down and simply have the machine move around me.

I hope you never need to go through this. I did so at the suggestion of my excellent chiropractor whom I have been seeing for about four years. Since he had a heart attack a few years ago, he is familiar with pain and with stress tests. He was concerned that I may have been having a heart attack. As painful as the past 24 hours or so have been, I am grateful for his professional concern. I have no heart problems at all. The tests proved that. I daresay my own fear, worry and frustration have caused a lot of my stress and fear.

In the face of all of this, I truly wish I could say that I get the same kind of warm and professional treatment from my regular medical doctor, who is virtually impossible to reach. I’m not giving up there either. I’m going to begin tomorrow morning “hounding” her until I get an appointment to see her. There is nothing more frustrating in the world than playing “phone tag” with your primary care physician. That is not the way it SHOULD be, but, unfortunately it is too often the case. It is not entirely her fault. It is the system that is at fault. Healthcare in this country has indeed improved vastly, but it still leaves a great deal to be desired. So, I have to continue to advocate for myself.

AND I SO I DO! AMEN!

                  THERE ARE NONE SO BLIND AS THOSE WHO WILL NOT SEE

This quote from Genesis says it all about some of the stubborn folks in life who refuse to look past their noses, their own egos, their own needs and their own desires. It’s dangerous enough for average people to be stuck in this pattern, but when it applies to a leader of any kind … spiritual or political … problems arise. The world we live in and the political climate of our own country pretty much illustrates that point. Yet, there is only so much we can do about leaders of any kind. We can hold them in love, in light and in prayer, recognizing the God part of them that they have forgotten or buried under pride, ego or even deeply felt hurt of their own.

I’m sure we all know people like this: people who complain and do nothing to make the world a brighter and more loving place, people who seem to suck the very air out of any room they walk into, people who see nothing but storms on the weather front. If we keep hoping these people will change, if we keep hoping we can please them no matter what, we remain stuck loving the “unavailable”. This blocks the flow of our good. It eats away at our sense of self-worth, erodes our confidence and fills our bellies with pain and our hearts with longing.

In that case I am the one who is blind and will not see. Raise an imaginary hand if this is true of you. We spend precious energy trying to please and impress folks who just don’t have it in them to respond to whatever we say or do. For myself, I realize that these longings go back to childhood. Who among us wanted more love and more attention from our parents and did not receive it … either at all … or else received the kind of attention that no one wants … the kind that hurts and abuses … bruising young hearts.

My problem is that I have allowed people to hurt me from beyond the grave as well as feel hurt by the ones right here sharing planet earth with me. The deceased are long gone. The ones whose love and approval I would like are perhaps totally unaware or do not care. So, now I’m stuck being disappointed with the deceased AND the living. Okay, it happens to all of us right, if we are being gut honest? But to remain there for the rest of my life - our lives - is a recipe for disaster: physically, mentally, emotionally and, especially, spiritually.

Holding on to disappointment stuns our growth … maybe even our physical growth as a child … but most certainly it stuns the kind of growth that God placed us on this earth to enjoy. That is the growth of the soul. That is the growth of a heart that loves beyond boundaries … one that loves whether it is loved in return or not, the kind that Jesus gave away, even to his death on the cross. That is a pure and spiritual love. Yet the human heart also has to have the good sense to recognize when it is time to let go of those feelings of wanting to be loved and accepted by everyone we meet. That is simply not realistic.

So, go easy on yourself, but do not be one of the blind who will not see.

            GOD LOVES US

God loves us with strength and power which is unknown to man. He loves us as his Beloved and longs to be close to us all the time. He is not a jealous God, but a warm and compassionate, lifelong companion who seeks to shower upon us every good and perfect gift. He thinks of us at every moment of every day. We are, literally, the center of his universe, loved beyond nature and animals and all the other beauty in the world. He created all of that just for us and only for us. The very cosmos exists because we were planned to be the center of it. There is no thought that comes through our minds, whether it is one of fear, anger or longing … that is not also felt by him. If we are sad and lonely, so is he. If we rejoice, so does he.

I am going through a health crisis right now. It is no accident, but the result of a lifetime of living in fear and anger and longing to be loved like I am the center of someone’s universe. No human can fill that need, only God. God wants my total attention, my total love and devotion so that he can bestow upon me all my heart longs for … all it has longed for since the moment I was conceived. Not one of us, “good” or “bad”, is conceived by accident. God longed for us from the center of his being. That is why we are here to live on planet earth. Every good thing is ours as soon as we ask for it, but we block it from happening with our fear … or perhaps with our feelings of unworthiness, anger and negativity.

I attended my great niece’s wedding last night. My best friend, Cindy, came to the wedding with me. It was wonderful having her there. We danced and celebrated and danced and celebrated. Everything was done with perfection, with beautiful attention to each detail. It was a joyful occasion. But I think the thing that touched me most deeply was that my niece’s sister-in-law and my niece’s husband went out of their way to speak with me and to make me feel welcome. That really warmed my heart.

Too often we are like the woman at the well who came for water to quench her thirst. Jesus told her that the only way to quench her thirst was to drink the waters of eternal life, eternal life lived in the presence of the one who created us. God simply wants us SO MUCH. His love is SO BIG, that human love pales in comparison. Nothing else is ever going to give us the satisfaction, the love and the tenderness we long for. God loves us, beyond doubt. He awaits our attention so that he can pour out all love and goodness upon us. We are the center of his universe. That is the way it has always been and the way it will always be until the end of time. We are blessed beyond measure if only we open our eyes to see.