A MOVING EXPERIENCE

At the risk of sounding like my imagination has run wild with me, I am going to share something that just happened to me about an hour ago. I was using the exercise bike in rehab. While riding I had my eyes closed, as I often do. It is not a quiet place in a physical sense because I'm surrounded by people, but I escape to the "inside me"and no one else is paying attention. But my experience today while riding the bike is something so amazing I scarcely know how to put it into words because I'm going to sound crazy.

What I experienced reminded me of the movie THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST starring Jim Caviezel as Jesus. Caviezel says it was a life altering experience, a kind of calling. I don't think you can watch it without being deeply touched. Caviezel, himself, experienced much pain and many injuries in the making of it, yet he describes making the movie as a kind of "calling", and he was so persuasive in his role that one character, playing Barabbas, actually physically saw Christ when he looked at Caviezel. As a result of this intense experience he went from being an atheist to being a Christian. The actor who played Judas also went through the same kind of transformation from atheism to Christianity. In one scene where he is hanging on the cross for a long period of time in very cold winds as they were trying to get the perfect shot, Caviezel said he heard Jesus ask him: AM I TOO CLOSE? Caviezel's answer: NO, GET CLOSER. Can you imagine hearing those words and feeling the way he felt?

Now, I am no celebrity, but I know that Christ wants to be close to me if I am willing to invite him into my life. I've had lots of time to think about these things in all these months in the rehab/nursing home. I keep a spiritual journal where I "talk" to our Lord and Savior. I pour out my heart about all my concerns, admit my weaknesses and shortcomings and ask forgiveness for them.

I ask for the strength to see through all difficult circumstances to the TRUTH beneath them: we are Divine beings having a human experience, and it is our Lord's great pleasure to give us our heart's desires if they are good for us. If we listen He will guide us in making better choices. It requires deep listening. I'm not always good at that. But I spend a lot of time doing "spirit-centered"drawings which I've shared with people here, and I have several hanging in my own room and on the door. Drawing is like praying for me. It always has been.

But I am a typical human who loses faith from time to time and needs to be reminded who I am and to whom I belong. That happened today while I was riding that bike. I've been doing this on a regular basis for all the time I've been here. It is one thing which is giving me the strength to live independently again ... that along with a strong will to leave here. As unbelievable as it sounds, this is the third nursing home I have been in in my entire life. And when I leave here I do not want - no - make that stronger - I do not INTEND to ever be in one of these places again. And that is with the help of God, of Jesus, of the Holy Spirit.

And as I was riding today, I turned off the noise of everyone around me. I had a smooth rhythm going. The AC was keeping me cool and I tuned out the chatter. I started thinking about that movie, and I remembered that scene: "Am I too close?" Caviezel's answer, "No, get closer."

For the remainder of the time I was riding the bike today I felt the strong presence of Christ standing behind me. He was talking to me as surely as a human being would talk to me, even though no words were expressed verbally. He assured me He was right there with me, with his arms around me, holding me tight against his chest and whispering that he is always with me, that I am a good person, even when I doubt it (as I did today when I got angry with the people working here who seem to have no heart for what they're doing.) There were tears in my eyes, it was so real.

Feeling those arms around me made me feel safer than I've ever felt. And it reminded me just how close our Lord is to us if we are open to feeling His presence and hearing his words. But we have to want to experience it. We have to want to put ourselves in a position to "hear" what He is saying to us. That means getting quiet. I try to get quiet a lot each day. And today, for the first time, I discovered that I can go deeply into quiet while I'm riding. I hear the chatter around me, but it is merely background noise to the words being "spoken" directly to my heart by my Lord and Savior. I didn't want to stop pedaling, even though my 40 minutes was up. Yet, the glorious truth: I can always go there again and again, bike or no bike. That is how available to us is our dearest Lord.

 

                                                        BEAUTIFUL MUSIC

If there is anything that can touch my heart deeply and get my attention immediately, it is beautiful music. Today I watched - on YouTube - on my TV, Andrea Bocelli and Celine Dion singing THE PRAYER. It is so powerful that it brings tears to my eyes and my soul feels deeply touched.

Music has this effect on me, always has. Over the years I thrived on beautiful music at the St. Louis Symphony as well as the FOX. I was fortunate enough to hear THE IRISH TENORS at the Fox many years ago.

My love of music has been with me ever since I was a small child, eight years old playing the organ, when my feet could not even touch the pedals. I played for years at home, at church and weddings all over the St. Louis area.

But my true "love" is the piano. That would have been my instrument of choice as a child, but my father had his heart set on the organ. It was not until my second marriage when I taught myself to play the piano that was left behind by my second husband's wife after she remarried. I was thrilled. I spent hours and hours playing and memorizing pieces I loved. One was my mom's favorite from DOCTOR ZHIVAGO: Somewhere my Love. My favorites were Moonlight Sonata, Claire de Lune and Fur Elise. I had them memorized and could play them from memory anywhere I went where I could get my hands on a piano.

I have attempted to play on the piano here, but it is more difficult to read the music and my fingers no longer remember what they had once known without even having to think about it. I've always put my heart and soul into my music and my artwork, which is now on every wall in my room, and many designs I have given away to those who live here and work here.

All of these things, including quilling, Sumi ink, calligraphy, charcoal and pencil are expressions of my soul. I have made gifts. I did some paid work. I sold a few pieces, but  most have been gifts because I was never organized enough to be a salesman. I think it's hard to create the art and market it yourself.

Yet, the greatest gift was the one God gave me to be able to create beauty and receive all the joy and fulfillment that comes with that.

                                                     

                                                  HI MOMMY, IT'S ME

      (an imaginary conversation from baby in the womb to                                                            Mommy)

Hi Mommy, this is your baby. How are you feeling today? Inside your tummy it is warm and cozy and feels so safe. It's very quiet in here, except for the comforting beat of your heart. Sometimes I hear Daddy talking to you about me. He's wondering if I am a boy or a girl. And when you visit the doctor I feel the pressure of the wand as he rubs it across your belly. It doesn't hurt a bit. It is actually kind of comforting. I know I am growing inside of you the healthy way I should be growing. I sense that it is almost time for me to come out. I'm happy about that because I get to see you and Daddy, but it is awfully nice and safe and warm in here.

I'll bet you are BEAUTIFUL and that Daddy is very HANDSOME. Do you both have brown eyes or blue eyes? Am I Caucasian or Black? It doesn't matter to me because I know you love me. Skin color makes no difference. God created us all equal. I know this because sometimes Jesus talks to me. He has a really soft and kind voice. Of course, I cannot see him. That will come later after I am born.

I don't care what faith you are, just that you are good people, that you love God and Jesus and Mary, that you appreciate the fact that Jesus died for all of our sins so that we can live forever in Paradise with the Angels. Sometimes one of the angels whispers to me as well, assuring me that my birth will be an easy one for you.

I'm just wondering, Mommy. What color is your hair? What color is your skin? And what about Daddy? What color is his skin and his hair? God loves all of His children equally, every race and every religion. He just wants us to be good to one another and not hurt one another.

And Daddy's eye color. What is that? And what is the color of your eyes? I know that you are very beautiful Mommy and that Daddy is really handsome. I know he is kind and would never hurt you or me. I know that you are both gentle and very much in love with one another. I know you will both always keep me safe from anyone who might try to harm me.

We'll have many adventures together, beginning with the adventure of birth. I know that's going to really hurt you Mommy. I'm sorry about that, but I think that once I am safely born, you'll forget all about the pain.

I suspect I'll cry a lot when I first come out. And I'll probably get cranky especially when I'm hungry or my diapers are poopy. But since you and daddy love me so much you will be kind and patient. I'm sorry I'll keep you awake some nights.

I just want to grow up to be a good little girl or boy. I want you to be proud of me. I want to make something of myself. I want to make the world a better place. Maybe I'll be a writer or an artist. Maybe I'll be a politician ... a good one who cares about everyone in our country and in the world.

Will you give me a brother or a sister? Will we be a small family or a large one? In any case, I know we will love one another and have lots of times that are fun. These are all the things the angels have whispered to me. I know there will be difficult times as well because Jesus told me that difficulties can make us better people. There are so many things I've learned here in your tummy.

I might forget them after I am born, though, so you will teach these things to me again and I will hold them in my heart and be the best little girl or boy I can be. I want you to feel proud of me, respect me and lead me in paths that are good and safe.

Most of all Mommy, I cannot wait to meet you and Daddy. God blesses us now and always, keeps us safe and instructs us in the loving ways of the world. And I'll get to meet my grandparents too! Are they both still alive? I look forward to Grandma holding me tenderly and Grandpa bumping me on his knee. He'll play outside with me, maybe on the swings. Maybe he'll take me to long walks in the park.

Mommy, will you and Daddy let me have a puppy? One that I can love and train to be a good little doggy? One who will run beside me and play with me and tumble around in the grass with me? All these things I wonder about here, safe and warm in your tummy. Maybe I'll be able to remember some of this conversation after I'm born. I hope so.

God bless you Mommy and Daddy. See you soon! I love you!

                                                 

                                                 ANOTHER NEW DAY

This is yet another brand new day. It's a day to say THANK YOU that I am alive and well. Yes, I'm still living here at the nursing home, but I have my plans to move into that apartment complex in Florissant, Missouri. I don't know where the furniture and everything is going to come from, but I'm confident, that with the help of friends I will get it all figured out. With the help of God I will figure it out. Jesus said, "See? I make all things new."

It is good to be alive. The sun is shining outside. I'm sitting here in the lounge at the end of the hall, with my prayer shawl wrapped around me. It was a gift years ago from my best friend of over thirty years, Cindy. I miss her. I've not seen her in a few months. I'm hoping she will be able to come up for a visit in the not to distant future. She is a wonderful person, a loving person who takes such wonderful care of her family, seldom thinking of herself and her needs as she does to theirs.

It is at times like these that I think back to all those years ago when I did not want to have children. Of course, hindsight is always 20/20. When you're only twenty-one years old you cannot possibly imagine how you are going to feel at 76. I can't believe I am already 76 years old. I don't know where all those years went to, but I'm grateful to be alive to experience all that I have, to be blessed as I am blessed, to have friends, to have some family I still see. Yesterday my cousin and her husband came and brought me groceries as a birthday gift and a pretty card with money inside.

These little things mean a lot. It's hard to imagine that when you aren't living as I am right now. It's amazing what we take for granted until we don't have those things, those people we loved, those experiences and that lifestyle.

But that is where my faith comes in. I believe strongly in a loving Father who takes care of me. I feel I have a personal relationship with Jesus. I don't say those things to many people because speaking of religion and God these days don't seem to be what people want to hear. I guess they just get so wrapped up in day-to-day living that those important things can be temporarily forgotten. I didn't fully appreciate how wonderful it is to go to church every Sunday until now, when that no longer happens.

Occasionally my friend, Marian, will pick me up and take me to Unity Church of Light. The last time I was there was for the beautiful Good Friday service. Yet, I know that when I am settled in my own new home again, this is change. So many things will change, the ability to eat the foods I want, the opportunity to go outside and walk without anyone telling me I cannot. It's amazing what we take for granted until it's no longer there.

I am much more appreciative, now, of many things I didn't think twice about before. That's a good thing. And there are many good things that will continue to come my way. I'm even planning on traveling again. I don't know how or when or where, but those plans I leave up to my heavenly Father.

Sometimes it seems that Jesus and God have been forgotten in our fast paced world, that we fail to appreciate all the good that we have, that we wake up each morning to a new day, that we have the opportunity to give and receive kindness.

Those things keep the world going: LOVING KINDNESS. Many blogs ago I mentioned the song: "What the world needs now is love, sweet love, not just for some, but for everyone." Truer words were never spoken.

Lately I have watched, on YouTube, some pretty upsetting movies about human trafficking, about sexual abuse, about all the horrors that are going on in the Middle East. We don't realize, because we feel buffered by distance, just how bad it really is. And, then again, we have those very same things going on within our own borders.

Awareness is key. If we're not aware we will never be motivated to do anything, even if that does not involve political action. It means ever so much more if we put our concerns to the Lord in prayer, for He can do all things. We seem to have forgotten that these days. It's important to remember to pray, to meditate, to take the time to appreciate the freedoms we have in this country - and - if we are able to, actively fight to preserve those freedoms.

That's not something I am able to do right now, but months ago I found myself in a protest against the unconscionable behavior of our current president and his administration. It's hard to see the Christ in that man. But Christ is in there somewhere buried beneath hatred, misunderstanding and inability to live morally.

Yet, who of us knows how that man grew up? What abuse he may have been subjected to. Perhaps the same was true of Adolph Hitler. We just don't really know what someone else is going through unless we have walked in their shoes.

So that, my friends, is what we need to do: put ourselves in another's "shoes", even if just for a moment, to appreciate the fact that they have gone through tough times too. Tough times can make tough people. That does not excuse their behaviors, which is why we need to continue to remember them in prayer.

To anyone out there who may be reading this, have a blessed and peaceful day. If the sun is shining, get out and take a walk in God's beautiful world.

Namaste,

Elizabeth

                            

LOVING KINDNESS

It's not always easy to show love and kindness, especially to those whose behavior we perceive as having hurt us. No one promised being a human being would be easy. And if you are striving to be a loving human as Jesus Christ was, it's even more challenging. 

Ever since I was a little girl, I felt a deep connection with Jesus. I think that interest and inspiration happened after watching all those biblical movies that came out in the 50's and 60's: BEN HUR, THE GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD, THE ROBE, to name a few. I was a small child of seven or eight when my oldest brother Richard who was friends with my then-teacher, Jack, took our entire class to see BEN HUR in one of those big old theatres in downtown St. Louis - from another era. BEN HUR was pretty violent for a 7 year old girl, but, somehow it grabbed me and fascinated me. Any movie since that time with a spiritual nature has drawn me to it.

The most powerful one, made in 2004, produced by Mel Gibson and starring Jim Caviezel is a riveting portrayal of the way Jesus' life and the lives of his disciples, his Mother, Mary and Mary Magdelene unfolded over 2000 years ago. How could one not be deeply touched by the powerful scenes of judgment, scourging and crucifixion that took place. I think this is the most realistic movie of Christ's life and death that I have ever seen. I have watched it over and over - it is so powerful.

But it's power would be lost on me, on its audience if it did not move me, move us, to behave differently after seeing it. The power of the WORD is only effective if we actively seek to apply it to our lives on a daily basis. This is seldom easy.

As you know, I am currently living in a nursing home environment where, as soon as you walk in the door, so many personal freedoms and privacy disappear. I'm working to leave here and live independently again, as I have mentioned in a former blog. BUT in the meantime I have to live the best life possible. That's challenging when you share a small bedroom and bathroom with someone else, a mere curtain separating me from my neighbor, who is sweet. But whatever is going on with her impacts me and vice versa. 

That is why I sit in this room at the end of my hall for so many hours each day. I pray here, I write here, I draw here, I view spiritual movies on YouTube. Fortunately there are many very good ones available today. Viewing these makes me think - certainly hope - that humans are finally getting the message that if we do not come together to save one another and to save our planet, neither will be around much longer. Global warming is very real. Human trafficking is very real. War and destruction are very real.

But the good news is that I - that all of us - have the ability, once our eyes have been opened, to begin to make changes in our personal lives and in the lives we touch, whose lives touch so many others as well. "What the World Needs Now is Love, Sweet Love" is not just a pretty song. It is an accurate statement for our time and place in history.

It is up to us to be the change, to make the difference, daily in our interactions large and small.

We truly do have the ability to change the world - one person at a time.

Just "try a little tenderness" and take time on a daily basis to connect with Jesus and our Father in Heaven who loves us beyond all human comprehension. Jesus died on the cross to cleanse us of our sins. So it is our responsibility to live as morally and lovingly as we can in order to be happy and at peace, and to help others feel loved and at peace.

SHALOM MY FRIENDS, NAMASTE, GOD BLESS YOU

                                                        Work-Life Balance

No, I no longer work at a paid job. When I eventually leave this place, perhaps I will begin working again. Who knows? Well, first of all, SHOW ME HOME didn't work out. It's confusing trying to explain the reasons, so I'm not even going to try.

My goal now is to get into St. Patrick's Senior Apartments in Florissant, Missouri where a friend from church lives. My current medications will go with me, but I'll need to find a very good new doctor. I'll probably have to enlist the help of Catholic services for furniture or whatever else I need to furnish a new place. That was the true beauty of the other program. It did all that for you.

But I was raised on the belief that "Where there is a will there is a way." So I'm awaiting the statement of income from Social Security and an application from St. Patrick's Apartments. Then I return those to St. Patrick's and wait to actually move in; that could be between three and six months. but that's a lot better than the wait list for the other program. And in that program, you had to do all of it within a year. At the end of that year I do not believe I could have re-enlisted because the very vague reasoning would still exist.

However, today's "lesson", if you will, is my own version of work-life balance. I get so caught up in trying to take care of so many others here, that it has completely worn me down to a frazzle. I now realize more clearly that some of my physical problems are aggravated, by not getting much sleep, but also because I look out more for others than I do for myself. That is not a good thing. God wants us to care for one another, but not at the expense of our own needs not being met.

So as is often the case I sat down to watch a movie on YouTube. The setting was in 2008 economically depressed central Florida. The first scene was of a young black man whose cocaine habit was so out of control, he tried getting run  by a car, which swerved and missed him. It was at that point that he finally realized he needed to do something to help himself.

He found a grocery store and hunkered down on the ground outside with no money to buy anything to eat. A man came up and sat down beside him, listened to his story and went in and came out with a hearty breakfast ... the first meal the young man had eaten in days. Later, it turned out that no one knew of that man or had ever seen him. He only appeared long enough to buy the young man a meal. The belief is that he turned out to be an "angel". We've all heard of "living with angels among us unawares."

Concurrently, in the movie, a woman who was a well-respected news reporter was about to lose her job in the depressed economy. On top of that, she had a brother with the same cocaine addiction. He wanted no part of her help, only to keep the habit, sleep it off only to repeat the cycle over and over again. She desperately wanted to get him clean and sober.

Meanwhile, a young pastor in the same town was trying to raise $600,000 to buy a church and turn it into a rehab center for drug addicts. By the end of the movie, not only did the young pastor get the original amount needed to buy the church to make it into a shelter, he was also gifted the 10 million dollar estate of a woman who had died and bequeathed the money to the church for whatever purpose it saw fit.

Now exist in this same formerly depressed part of central Florida many churches, homeless shelters for families, medical facilities, rehab programs and more. All due to the POWER OF FAITH. This is a story I really needed to hear right now.

I believe there are always "angels" operating beyond our awareness, working with God to bring about the large and small everyday miracles we need to live our best and happiest lives. We do not have to do it all on our own. That is not the way our Creator intended for us to live. First of all He sent His only-begotten son into the world to cleanse us of our sins, and then to be a our way shower for selfless love, for sharing, caring, and for creating a world that could be heaven on earth, if only we followed God's loving plan for our lives.

                                           SWEET MEMORIES

Many years ago I used to sit in the Missouri Botanical Garden and the Teahouse Garden sketching in pencil, charcoal, and Sumi ink. After several months of sitting along the path and drawing, one of the horticulturist staff asked me to be a volunteer artist. I drew depictions of many features of the Japanese Garden. It was a very wonderful time of my life because I was surrounded by beauty which I could express in my drawings.

Now, I haven't been there in years, but last winter a friend from church took me. The Christmas decorations were still up, and there were so many wonderful additions since I had last been there. It was fascinating and beautiful. The Jack C. Taylor Visitors Center is totally redesigned with many more attractions which enhance the guests' experience. We spent time in the Japanese Garden which looks different now, but I could still follow some of the paths I did all those years ago. It was a very special time of my life and I was grateful my friend took me there.

My original visits to The Botanical Garden were in the 1980's. My apartment was located close by. It was a lovely two bedroom which had very little yard. That is when I started going, almost daily when I was working part-time jobs. I became good friends with Greg, a horticulturist who helped take care of Teahouse Island. He allowed me to spend time there. Normally, it was off limits except for every August during The Japanese Festival. This was a very interesting eight years back in the eighties.

Greg was a handsome, kind, spiritual and knowledgeable. I would have liked to have had a deeper relationship with him outside of that which we shared at the Garden, but that was not meant to be. We remained good friends for eight years. We often spoke of our philosophical and spiritual beliefs and how those blended with the beauty and sacredness of the Japanese Garden. My mom visited one time while I was there drawing. She finally met Greg and  thought he was as handsome as Rock Hudson. I think he was even more handsome than Rock Hudson. Generational differences ... I was just delighted she finally got to meet him.

My mom was an amazing woman. We had had our issues in childhood, but as adults we were best friends. When she died the Sunday after Thanksgiving in 2005, I felt like I had lost my best friend. I remember everyone else had left and I remained behind to wait for the funeral home to come and pick up her body.  The nurses came in. They were so kind to my mom and to me whenever I visited her. I remember them gently warning me that when they deflated the mattress she was lying on, it might look like she was still breathing. That really didn't alarm me. I sat next to her holding her still warm hand until the gentleman from the funeral parlor came to pick up her body. Those extra, last moments with her meant everything to me.

My mom loved roses, which is probably where my love of roses comes from. Our long narrow backyard bloomed with rosebushes and lilacs ... lilacs all across the back yard, down the side yard and almost to the street. I used to watch her work in the garden and sit outside, and use twigs to build "houses" in the grass. It was so much fun. I even had a tent at one time, and a little playhouse my dad had built. The property had been an orchard many years before, so there were still peach trees and grape vines. The grapes were the sour kind used to make wine.

There was one unusual but amazing incident that happened in 1984 when I was dating a man whose parents had this huge house in Kirkwood, Missouri. I was sleeping in the downstairs bedroom. I had been sick all night after we had stopped at McDonald's to have a hamburger after one of his graduate classes at Maryville College. I was terribly ill that night. He was not. I couldn't go to work the next morning, so I stayed in bed. It was quiet down there in that little bedroom, and I was tucked in warmly all by myself. At about 9 am I was dozing on and off, and finally feeling better. Suddenly, though I had my eyes closed, I felt someone kiss my forehead and pull the covers up to my chin. I knew it was my mom, and I knew I was not dreaming or hallucinating. I'll never forget that beautiful moment for as long as I live.