AN UPDATE AND SOME LOVELY MEMORIES

Well, I finally got to meet Barbara from Show Me Home/Money Follows the Person when she visited with me yesterday. We had spoken on the phone a few times. My intention is to finally leave here and live independently again. Our social worker brought her by and introduced her to me. Barbara very kindly provided me with LOTS of information, which is a bit daunting at this point. And I have to wait for approval. As it turns out I only have one year to find housing, so all those places I had called for information, and who said they had a waiting list for more than one year, are not going to be within my search. She has provided me with lists of places and other information which will help me in my search. She is very supportive of my desire to leave here. And the staff here agree as well. This is especially true of the physical therapy staff with whom I've been working these many months. I stropped using the walker a few months ago and they completely agree I'm ready for this change. I've even had the opportunity to get outside and walk, as long as someone is walking with me. I walk all over the building several times a day, and take care of all my personal needs.

Am I nervous? Just a bit daunted? Well, of course. This is just one more new thing for me to do. I've certainly made so many changes in my life already, more than most people probably. So that means I'm versatile, and that's a good thing. I'm also persistent, or what my mom used to call "just plain stubborn". True. Like the famed Missouri Mule, I am stubborn. And kind of proud of it. Though, at times it has gotten me into trouble. Imagine that!

I have been through many challenging times in life. Who has not? For me this included repeated childhood sexual abuse from several family members over a period of about nine years, At the urging of one of my therapists, it was suggested I confront them. I did so in letters I sent to all of them. That was considered a safe approach which would protect me from verbal abuse. I received at least one vehement letter stating everything I said was made up, a lie, my imagination ... and so on an so on. I was sad and unnerved but not surprised.

I continued seeing therapists. I was married to my second husband who gave me emotional support. Different therapists, different approaches. But over time we decided we just were not going to make it as a couple. I feel that a good part of what caused the divorce was my problem, no so much his. He did not want to divorce at first, but it was  for the best for both of us, and we maintain a kind and supportive friendship via email.

I even explored past life regression therapy. Some people found that just a little too far out, but, for me, it was very helpful. I deciphered patterns that appeared during those sessions which showed me that many of the things I am working on now had their basis in lives of long ago. It was eye-opening. I worked with a licensed therapist, not some kooky fortune teller. He was a kind man, a respected man and knew the author of the book LIFE AFTER LIFE - Brian Weiss - a St. Louis native and a psychotherapist of good standing.

I also worked in a store years ago that employed clairvoyants. The owner was a very kind man, for whom I worked part time. So, yes, my background is varied and colorful. My life has not had many dull moments. Probably the "tamest" I've ever been is living the in the current nursing home. I work out in the gym, I draw and write and blog and spend time in prayer and meditation. Many of my past blogs are of a spiritual nature.

I have made drawings for several residents and for those who work here. They are not usual artwork, but rather drawings with bible quotes surrounded by original designs. I never know how they are going to turn out, but hope they are meaningful. So far, they have been widely appreciated. And I feel I am doing something helpful and uplifting for them as well as for me.

Many years ago, though, I used to sit in the Missouri Botanical Garden and the Teahouse Garden sketching in pencil, charcoal, and Sumi ink. After several months of sitting along the path and drawing, one of the horticulturist staff asked me to be a volunteer artist. I drew depictions of many features of the Japanese Garden. It was a very wonderful time of my life because I was surrounded by beauty which I could express in my drawings.

Now, I haven't been there in years, but last winter a friend from church took me. The Christmas decorations were still up, and there were so many wonderful additions since I had last been there. It was fascinating and beautiful. The Jack C. Taylor Visitors Center is totally redesigned with many more attractions which enhance the guests' experience. We spent time in the Japanese Garden which looks different now, but I could still follow some of the paths I did all those years ago. It was a very special time of my life and I was grateful my friend took me there.

My original visits to The Botanical Garden were in the 1980's. My apartment was located close by. It was a lovely two bedroom which had very little yard. That is when I started going, almost daily when I was working part-time jobs. I became good friends with Greg, a horticulturist who helped take care of Teahouse Island. He allowed me to spend time there. Normally, it was off limits except for every August during The Japanese Festival. This was a very interesting eight years back in the eighties.

Greg was a handsome, kind, spiritual and knowledgeable. I would have liked to have had a deeper relationship with him outside of that which we shared at the Garden, but that was not meant to be. We remained good friends for eight years. We often spoke of our philosophical and spiritual beliefs and how those blended with the beauty and sacredness of the Japanese Garden. My mom visited one time while I was there drawing. She finally met Greg and  thought he was as handsome as Rock Hudson. I think he was even more handsome than Rock Hudson. Generational differences ... I was just delighted she finally got to meet him.

My mom was an amazing woman. We had had our issues in childhood, but as adults we were best friends. When she died the Sunday after Thanksgiving in 2005, I felt like I had lost my best friend. I remember everyone else had left and I remained behind to wait for the funeral home to come and pick up her body.  The nurses came in. They were so kind to my mom and to me whenever I visited her. I remember them gently warning me that when they deflated the mattress she was lying on, it might look like she was still breathing. That really didn't alarm me. I sat next to her holding her still warm hand until the gentleman from the funeral parlor came to pick up her body. Those extra, last moments with her meant everything to me.

My mom loved roses, which is probably where my love of roses comes from. Our long narrow backyard bloomed with rosebushes and lilacs ... lilacs all across the back yard, down the side yard and almost to the street. I used to watch her work in the garden and sit outside, and use twigs to build "houses" in the grass. It was so much fun. I even had a tent at one time, and a little playhouse my dad had built. The property had been an orchard many years before, so there were still peach trees and grape vines. The grapes were the sour kind used to make wine.

There was one unusual but amazing incident that happened in 1984 when I was dating a man whose parents had this huge house in Kirkwood, Missouri. I was sleeping in the downstairs bedroom. I had been sick all night after we had stopped at McDonald's to have a hamburger after one of his graduate classes at Maryville College. I was terribly ill that night. He was not. I couldn't go to work the next morning, so I stayed in bed. It was quiet down there in that little bedroom, and I was tucked in warmly all by myself. At about 9 am I was dozing on and off, and finally feeling better. Suddenly, though I had my eyes closed, I felt someone kiss my forehead and pull the covers up to my chin. I knew it was my mom, and I knew I was not dreaming or hallucinating. I'll never forget that beautiful moment for as long as I live.

                                                        ALL IN GOD'S TIME

This is Monday, a brand new week to explore new possibilities. Well, as you may remember from my last blog, I am looking for affordable senior housing in the St Louis County area. I have been in touch with the program SHOW ME HOME, which, when you find an affordable apartment, gives you furniture, helps you move in, and provides the first month's rent. It's basically HUD housing which is what I lived in before at Church Street Village in St. Peters, Missouri.

It's quite the process - and the qualifications, interviews, applications - well, all of it can be a bit daunting. Fortunately they are kind people who truly want to help. I began a new search this morning, not wanting to waste any time. A day or two ago I called a place where the wait list is 3 - 5 years! I don't think so!  Not if I can help it. During my search today I found a lovely apartment complex in St. Louis county, in an area where I used to live years ago. I await that application in the mail to begin the process, with a wait list of 6-24 months.  That is daunting, but I have to begin somewhere. And there is one thing I know for certain it will be in God's perfect timing. It is God and Jesus Christ in whom I place my trust.

As it says in Luke 12:23-31 "Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat, nor your body, what you will put on. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds. And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass, which is alive in the field today, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried. For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them. Instead, seek his kingdom, and these things will be added to you."

I can think of no better example of trust than that beautiful scripture. We are of such importance to our creator. It is said that he knows the numbers of hairs upon our head. He gave his only son to come into the world, suffer and die, paying for our sins and assuring us salvation. Somehow, I feel very close to Him. Many times in the months since I have lived here I have felt afraid and alone. I have no immediate family. I have wonderful cousins, my best friend who lives almost 30 miles away and my wonderful friends at church. But weeks go by without seeing these precious people. That is where my love of Jesus comes in. I know I can talk to him any time of the day or night.

I have my favorite spot here in the building. It is up the hall from my room in a common area that's usually pretty quiet day and evening. This is where I pray, draw, write and watch movies on YouTube (the inspirational kind.) There is nothing quite so soothing to the soul as privacy. Here we are cared for, fed and even entertained. But PRIVACY, real privacy is a gift you cannot possibly fathom being without. Shared showers, shared bathrooms. There's no place like home where you can close the door to the outer world and dream your dreams.

One of those dreams is to travel again. In 2021 I went to Ireland. It was incredible from coast to coast. We toured by bus beginning and ending in Dublin. We were in Galway, where President Kennedy visited shortly before his assassination. There is a brass statue of him there. We traveled to Waterford and stayed in a beautiful family mansion turned B&B. Waterford is the home of the beautiful crystal and where they fly the American flag alongside their own. 

We visited the site of the Potato Famine that took place and caused the death of thousands before many fled to America, some settling in St. Louis. Many years ago there was an Irish section of the city, which no longer exists. For anyone familiar with Switzer's Black Licorice, the Irish settlement was not far from the factory that manufactured that Licorice.

We dined in a former Castle where we had the standard Irish fare, always with Guiness, of course. We enjoyed an old fashioned "minstrel" show with singing, dancing and storytelling. Another time we visited an old fashioned Irish pub, where a man sang all the favorites including DANNY BOY. I have to admit, I think I had enough Guiness that night to begin flirting with the musician. Ah well ... "when in Rome".

We went to Kilkenny, visited the Ring of Kerry, then to Waterford which is the home of the famous elegant Waterford Crystal and where we stayed in an beautifully refurbished former mansion turned B&B where the American flag flew alongside the Irish flag.

But my favorite site by far were The Cliffs of Moher which tower over the North Sea at 702 feet. The Gateway Arch at 630 feet tall, would "fit"under the Cliffs of Moher with room to spare. The entire surrounding area of cliffs and the North Sea is exquisite. 

We spent our last night back in Dublin before heading home. I'll admit that I did not want to leave. We had to be tested again for Covid before returning to the states. I came back in time to miss the Omicron virus.

My love of travel comes naturally. I grew up in a family that traveled every summer ... not in an expensive way. We used to stop at rest areas to eat sandwiches. It was so much fun. From the age of 5 years old til I was in my teens and then as a married woman I've been as far west as Banff Alberta and as far east as St. Andrews by the Sea in Nova Scotia. It's all beautiful, and I have many wonderful memories. That's why I have the "travel bug". I think I inherited it from my mother and grandmother. My mom went to Italy and Germany when she was the same age I was when I visited Ireland.

With a little bit of Irish Luck (I'm 5% Irish), I'll return to the land of shamrocks and leprechauns, Irish Whiskey and Guinness, which by the way, the natives think is far better than Budweiser.

 

26 April 2026

Life definitely took an unusual turn in October of this year. I am now living at Manchester Rehab and Healthcare in Ballwin, Missouri. I moved here because I had unexplained issues with my body that weren't being handled well until I came here and began to know the wonderful staff who work here. It was discovered by the doctor here that I am dealing with IBS. For anyone not familiar with "alphabet soup", IBS means Irritable Bowel Syndrome. No, it certainly doesn't sound pretty. It is not. But it is under control with a drug called Linzess. It's working pretty well.

But something pretty wonderful has shown up on my horizon. It is a program called "SHOW ME HOME". With the assistance and recommendation of our social worker here, I am now enrolled in the program. It means that I look for independent housing and, once found, they help with moving me in, getting my medications arranged with a new doctor. Now, the search is the tricky part. I've been able to pull together, with the help of our financial expert, the necessary documents to get into the program. But, so far, I've been greeted with the not-so-great news by one apartment complex I called. Their wait list is three to five years! Yep, you heard me right. I have checked out a few others in the St. Louis area, but nothing has shown up yet. I'm a faith-filled woman. God, Jesus Christ and the belief in Heaven are a huge part of my faith. I've drawn "pictures" of sayings from the Bible encircled with designs. They are hanging on the walls of my room, even the bathroom! You might say I can get a bit carried away. I've done dozens of these "drawings" since I have been here and given them to staff and residents as well.

And some very kind people working here have been very encouraging. One kind nurse who has become a friend over these past months believes I'll be moving in my new place within the next eight weeks. I appreciate her support and I hope that is indeed the case.

And since my faith needed a little boost right now, I watched on YouTube a movie I had seen at the theater in 2014 when it first came out: HEAVEN IS FOR REAL. It's the true story of a little boy who, while undergoing surgery for a burst appendix, left his body and went to Heaven, where he saw beautiful Light beings - Angels that laughed. He met Jesus Christ, even sat on his lap. He saw his parents' grandparents. And one of the most amazing things is that Jesus introduced him to his little sister, who was about three years old, but who had died in her mother's womb. Todd Burpo was the pastor of Crossroads Wesleyan Church in Imperial, Nebraska. The surgery of little Colton took place in 2003. So he is a young teenager now with a very real little sister a few years younger.

Simultaneously in an Eastern country a very talented young girl, Akiane Kramarik, was painting "Prince of Peace" - Jesus. "eight years old. Based on her recurring heavenly visions. The 2003 painting is renowned for its detailed, human and divine portrayal of Jesus. She did this despite being raised in a non-religious, atheist home...... Akiane began having spiritual visions at age three, and by age four she was creating art based on them." Her model was a stranger that she met and was inspired to use him as her model for Jesus. Google states that "the painting took 40 hours to complete. Google also shows the picture which was "famously lost or stolen for years before being recovered. It was later featured in HEAVEN IS FOR REAL." Now it hangs in Marble Falls, Texas in THE BELOVED GALLERY. She continued her art and poetry into adulthood (also from Goggle).

Todd and his wife went through great difficulties at his church. Even though they were devout Christians, the congregation and its Board could not bring themselves to believe that Colton's out of body experience was real. Even experts told him it was impossible, and his little boy had a fixation with Jesus and Angels. That sounds ironic, doesn't it? But how many of us when questioned about our faith would act any differently? Do we really believe what we have been taught to believe?

Fortunately, since that movie came out another wonderful movie came out: THE PASSION OF CHRIST - a Mel Gibson produced film starring Jim Caviezel who needed to learn Aramaic, Latin and Italian for the movie. It is superb and extremely powerful, and certainly made Jesus real for me. I've watched it many times. Mel Gibson is now working on THE RESURRECTION OF CHRIST with a younger Finnish actor - Jaakko Ohtonen playing Jesus. This is due to come to theaters in about a year.

During the original production of 2014 with Jim Caviezel, an Italian actor named Pietro Sarrubi played Barrabas, the convict the crowds yelled should be released. Sarrubi was an athiest who turned Christian after the movie was made. During one scene when Barrabbas glances over at Jesus with a Crown of Thorns on his head while he is standing next to Pontius Pilate, Sarrubi takes another look as was written in the script, but then an unscripted second look and he saw the "real Jesus", not Caviezel. That gave me chills the first time I watched it.

We are also blessed by another production titled THE CHOSEN with Jonathan Rhoumey doing a wonderful depiction of Jesus Christ and great actors as all his apostles. Dallas Jenkins is the producer of this series. The final season will be shown in theaters next year. The cast and crew have developed a deeply spiritual and emotional bond with one another which is touching to see.

As you have probably guessed by now, I'm going through a renewal of my own Spirit which has caused me to think more deeply, and create according to my spiritual beliefs. It's life-enhancing and deeply spiritual delving into these various avenues of inspiration. We find inspiration wherever we choose to find it.

NAMASTE

  MY RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD

Lately so much has happened to me that I cannot logically explain, that I have turned to my loving Mother-Father God all the time. I speak with Him day and night. He is a wonderful and loving God who has brought me through the most frightening times these past weeks. It feels like life is closing in around me and as if I cannot breathe easily, really cannot breathe easily.

But my loving Father is just that … absolutely loving at all times, night and day, day after day. He never forsakes me. Friends may appear to forsake me, but he stands like a rock, like my own fortress. He is my breath, my heart and entire body. He fills my spirit with gratitude that I am alive.

I treasure every moment spent with him, for that relationship is more precious than the rarest gem, more precious than gold, more precious than anything on or in or above or beyond this universe.

I am so lucky to have such a wonderful heavenly Father, for heaven is within me.

And so it is. Amen.

            GOD LOVES US

God loves us with strength and power which is unknown to man. He loves us as his Beloved and longs to be close to us all the time. He is not a jealous God, but a warm and compassionate, lifelong companion who seeks to shower upon us every good and perfect gift. He thinks of us at every moment of every day. We are, literally, the center of his universe, loved beyond nature and animals and all the other beauty in the world. He created all of that just for us and only for us. The very cosmos exists because we were planned to be the center of it. There is no thought that comes through our minds, whether it is one of fear, anger or longing … that is not also felt by him. If we are sad and lonely, so is he. If we rejoice, so does he.

I am going through a health crisis right now. It is no accident, but the result of a lifetime of living in fear and anger and longing to be loved like I am the center of someone’s universe. No human can fill that need, only God. God wants my total attention, my total love and devotion so that he can bestow upon me all my heart longs for … all it has longed for since the moment I was conceived. Not one of us, “good” or “bad”, is conceived by accident. God longed for us from the center of his being. That is why we are here to live on planet earth. Every good thing is ours as soon as we ask for it, but we block it from happening with our fear … or perhaps with our feelings of unworthiness, anger and negativity.

I attended my great niece’s wedding last night. My best friend, Cindy, came to the wedding with me. It was wonderful having her there. We danced and celebrated and danced and celebrated. Everything was done with perfection, with beautiful attention to each detail. It was a joyful occasion. But I think the thing that touched me most deeply was that my niece’s sister-in-law and my niece’s husband went out of their way to speak with me and to make me feel welcome. That really warmed my heart.

Too often we are like the woman at the well who came for water to quench her thirst. Jesus told her that the only way to quench her thirst was to drink the waters of eternal life, eternal life lived in the presence of the one who created us. God simply wants us SO MUCH. His love is SO BIG, that human love pales in comparison. Nothing else is ever going to give us the satisfaction, the love and the tenderness we long for. God loves us, beyond doubt. He awaits our attention so that he can pour out all love and goodness upon us. We are the center of his universe. That is the way it has always been and the way it will always be until the end of time. We are blessed beyond measure if only we open our eyes to see.

WHEN MY BODY SPEAKS TO ME

It seems to take a crisis in health or circumstances to cause me to pause and look closely at what is going on inside. These past couple of weeks I have faced health challenges which not only frightened me, but also caused me to pause and think more about who I really am, my power, my abilities and the amount of control I do indeed have over my body and my life. I’ve had to slow down and re-establish my connection with the Divine within me. Sitting quietly and patiently in the Silence of Prayer has proven to be far more powerful than any human medicine.

During these days of bodily, spiritual and emotional upheaval, I’ve learned greater perseverance, patience, and letting go and letting God be God in me. Most of my life I have battled with control issues, impatience and anger. I know the roots of these go far back into childhood. They have been embedded in my consciousness and, therefore, within the very cells of my body. What has grown from those “seeds” has been a harvest of fear, doubt and feelings of being powerless and unworthy. If I don’t pay attention, my body reacts … sometimes loudly and painfully. The pain is a “gift”, even if it is an unwelcome one.

If nothing else, illness slowed me down. I had to take precious time apart … sitting quietly, listening to peaceful music, sleeping with peaceful music, reading spiritual material and absorbing the lessons it teaches. And I have the precious gift of a powerful support system of those I love. When I fail to pay attention to what is going on inside, my body reacts … sometimes loudly and painfully. But pain can actually be a “gift” when it makes me reassess my priorities and my activities.

There is nothing more powerful than pain in my gut to grab my attention. Our gut is the center of our bodies, the solar plexus, the place of energy and intuition. We all have moments when we know “in our gut” that something is either right for us or wrong. The gut is not only where we process food. It is where we process our emotions. When negative emotions become “stuck” in our digestive track, food gets stuck as well.

Our gut - our solar plexus - is the place where our subconscious mind connects with our physical body. When we are stressed, the flow of life is blocked. We become “constipated” - not only physically, but emotionally and spiritually. I have been forced to acknowledge my emotions this past couple of weeks because they have been “churning” within me. They are linked to my intuitive self. So, what emotions and truths about myself have I been stuffing instead of acknowledging and allowing to flow freely? Fear, disappointment, anger, unforgiveness, resentment?

Perhaps I’ve been ignoring my inner self and the wisdom it imparts to me. Maybe it is telling me I need to slow down, reassess my priorities, look at my values, gently examine my life and engage in acceptance - “warts and all”. Maybe it was even trying to tell me of my own worth, that I am far more powerful and creative than I believed, that I deserve to pause and rest. I slowed the pace, forgave my shortcomings and perceived flaws. And when I forgive myself and others, I receive the gift of peace to heart, soul, mind and body … a healing peace which allows the power of life to flow within and through me once again.

And, perhaps the greatest lesson of dis-ease is the realization that the present moment is the only moment there is. Living fully in the present in the now, appreciating God's love and gifts to us, is the momentum which carries us forward into a more fulfilling life.

HOLY MOMENTS

In Matthew Kelly’s book titled “HOLY MOMENTS”, he discusses the idea that at any time we have the choice to do something selfless, to perform an act of kindness for another which comes directly as inspiration from God. This means we must be open to hearing what God says to us so we put aside our own needs in service to another. It can be anything as simple as a kind word to the checkout person at the grocery store, doing a favor for a friend, or holding someone in prayer. At the Unity church I attend, we have a “prayer chain” in which we hold one another in the Love, Light and Wisdom of God. All these beloved friends are participating in holy moments.

Ever since I have read Kelly’s book, I have decided to implement holy moments in my life. Yesterday, I went to McDonald’s to purchase a meal, and donated extra money in gift cards for other customers who would follow. Today, I did the same at my favorite Chinese restaurant. I like to think it brought some small joy to the recipients, and it is fun to imagine the look of pleasant surprise on someone’s face.

Likewise, when I was at Aldi this afternoon, I found two beautiful bouquets of roses. On my walk home, I decided I would give them to two friends in my building. They were surprised, and their smiles showed their joy. And it was my joy.  “God loves a cheerful giver”. When we spread warmth and cheer to others, we cannot keep it from ourselves.

Holy moments result in behavior that is a reflection of our state of mind and the Christ Consciousness present within us. For example, when we choose to hold our temper rather than release it on some unsuspecting person, this is the result of a holy moment. We not only hold our temper, but we replace feelings of anger with patient, loving kindness.

When we feel urged to grow beyond our comfort zones, and attempt new things, these are also God inspired holy moments. We stretch ourselves beyond our usual behavior and take a risk and try our wings. Beginning this blog months ago was one of those holy moments for me. I would like what I speak of in this blog to bring out the best in myself and in anyone else reading it … helping us to become a better version of ourselves as we choose to carry out holy moments.

Likewise, when we are faced with difficult decisions, we take them to God in prayer. Perhaps a crisis has arisen. We are fearful, unsure, at a crossroads with no idea what to do. In this instance we turn to Spirit and receive the comfort and inspiration we need to move forward in yet another holy moment.

As Kelly points out in his book, holy moments produce exponential results. They are not simply one moment in time. That moment is multiplied over and over again, like a tidal wave of goodness reverberating throughout the world and permeating the universe. A small change in behavior has a ripple effect, the dynamics of which affect the entire human race.

REFERENCE:

“HOLY MOMENTS” - “A Handbook for the Rest of Your Life”

Author: Matthew Kelly

Published August 2022 Blue Sparrow

Additional Information: Courtesy of Google